Pageant&Anxiety: a real struggle.

Pageantry is my only and main hobby. I absolutely love it. However it’s not a simple and peaceful union for this individual. Unfortunately as much as I wish it didn’t mental health pays a huge role in my life, and it’s always the devilish role.

It’s really not a good thing, if you can’t think of a positive notion mental health has added to your life. Could that be a reason as to why mental health is so stigmatised, because it is known to be a negative notion. What isn’t great for myself personally is the link that my mental health has on my hobby.

The irony of the shy introverted girl who loves the pageant stage, even if it doesn’t seem it, because of how I seem. I am the girl who dreamt of being a catwalk model since she was 5 years old, yet never achieved that official due to height restrictions. I used to put on pretend fashion shows in my mum’s back yard, as well as practice a straight catwalk along the garden path. So pageantry feels like a natural fit. Or so you would think.

However, courtesy of my mind, after every single pageant I compete in, no matter the outcome. Not how hard I worked in the run up to the pageant finals. I also do not control it, because I am always so proud of my personal pageant journey, and all I achieve as a finalist. I am also way too happy for my fellow sisters who competed too. I follow all journeys and get so proud of everyone! So it really upsets me when people think my post pageant breakdowns, are rude or bad sportsmanship. I can assure you it’s not.

During the breakdown, it’s a cycle of thoughts including:

  • Wasn’t good enough, you may of improved but you did not improve enough.
  • Never going to be good enough, imposter syndrome.
  • Only awarded in a pity way.
  • Feeling sorry, for not seemingly to improve enough, more pity.

That on a cycle going around and around is not easy to handle. Hence why 9 times out of 10, I retreat to my safe space, and look after myself first. It’s never because of jealousy or being a sore loser. It’s preserving myself. It’s not a fun battle to have, and a hard one with the pressure of people thinking it’s bad sportsmanship. It’s very hard to get out of but also sadly a very public one.

Ending on a positive note, as I continue to navigate this battle, it will make finally prevailing because of my improvements and hard work, all the more worth it.

‘Your Dream is Achievable’