Memories evolving & connecting.
I fully believe after the last few weeks, where I’ve endured similar bad dreams, nearly ever other night! My mind has found a new way to traumatise me!
If there’s a way for memories to trauma bind together, I fully believe that is what is happening to my memories it finds a similar memory and bonds causing a bigger impact on my mind.
Issues with this is, I’ve gone through more bad experiences than most! So it actually probably fills 80% of my mind anyway!
The most recent bond, is a memory from when I was SA’d at 12, and being used last month for personal gratification. Because you can argue that both instances are being used for gratification, they’re bonding together.
Other bonded memory, is the past physically abusive relationship, and a recent mental, narcissistic abusive relationship. Because this spans 10 years of my life.
I have a very slim hope, that things are starting to look up for me. In the mean time I’ll keep on surviving and healing.
Going into 2023…
What a roller-coaster of a year 2022 was. It brought some amazing memories, from spending 5 weeks in Melbourne, Australia (May – July), to starting a decent contracted job (July). Finding the strength to leave a toxic relationship and running my little flat alone. Surviving my first single Christmas in 9 years, as well as surviving a double chest infection, the week before Christmas. Deciding to go back to studying, while working.
2023 is going to be the start of the rest of my life. I’m going to actively get myself out of debt. As well as sitting down and creating saving plans, for a variety of occasions, i.e. house deposits, holiday funds, emergency/saving funds. These will be a lot more effective after getting out of debt. Each of these plans are 4 years long. So when I take stock of where I am in 5 years’ time. I suppose this is because of my huge feeling of failure, I’ve had wasting my 20’s as 2023 will be my last year as I turn 29 in October (2023).
I will be building a 5 year mood board, so I can stay inspired and on track.
Dating went badly, I am far too traumatized. But I am happy coming to terms with forever being single, and making a fun and comfortable life for me and my son. It turns out you can be treated badly for years, but still try to hold on to the dream life.
Just a few small words from my thoughts as we go into the new year!
Did I just produced and starred in my own horror?
I am not sure whether it’s a blessing or not, being able to vividly remember what happens in dreams/nightmares.
This is about the one I had last night. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare though. I watch way too many horror films for fun, to get nightmares.
And I believe this is why my mind has started producing these mini ones in my head. I have no idea if it’s based on a film, if you read it and it sounds familiar please do let me know! I’m kinda intrigued.
Starts off being pretty simple me and a group of friends, walking back through a parking lot, pretty vague I know. This is after exploring halls of a basement/cave type of environment with tunnels, seeing a girl trapped in the tunnel. But then cuts to me being in a library, a dark creepy library with cages and cages of books. I wasn’t able to do something with some books, so asked the librarian. And she gave me a thing of keys and key fobs, and sent me to get a shallow tray, from near where we explored. Weird I know cause there was no librarian with us when we explored first.
If your still with me, it gets weirder… so I go through the door in search of a shallow book tray, I come across the same trapped girl and let her free, then find the tray and leave the tunnels. Again no librarian insight.
Then it becomes like an it follows type of thing with people following me, and then crowds me and then the trapped feeling and blacks out. Come around in a sleep paralysis type of consciousness, faced with the same librarian mad I freed the girl, and see snippets of these doll legs, reminiscent of a cabbage patch doll. During in and out of blackouts, then coming through in a weird consciousness where my sight and brain is like in tack, but I can’t move, can’t speak, and seemingly turned into a doll.
I’m sure if anyone else had that it’d be a nightmare but I’m just sat here thinking what the hell did I just dream? Hence the title of this post.
Smile: Film review
You should know me by now… if there’s a horror film coming out. I am totally on that bandwagon. Last week was Jeepers Creepers: Reborn. But this week was Smile. I will try to write this review with no spoilers, but I can’t make any promises.
Firstly, I saw the trailer to this on multiple adverts for films, as well as YouTube and Facebook ads. I was intrigued by the premise of a smile, being used in a psychological horror. Though I felt like the trailer didn’t give much away. I also saw a variety of good reviews from press, and some people saying it’s not what you expect, coupled with an 18 age rating.
With nods to It Follows, this film is visually stunning. In my opinion one of the best horror films of 2022. Certainly a great depiction of mental health since Lights Out. A great cinematic production exploring, mental health, trauma, guilt and fear. Jump scares which rely on sound are placed perfectly throughout the film, with a few distressing scenes.
I thoroughly enjoyed it. And that’s a wrap on my short film review 🙂 If you enjoyed it, I will write another for the next film.
When one door closes…
Another one opens… I do hope so!
Having the most horrendous mental come down, and officially dealing with it alone, I have come to the decision, to put my effort the last 10 years into something else.
This is to build and grow my own happiness. To protect myself.
When I started my journey I set out to do one thing, speak up break the stigma. However with no support received, and only needing to reach one person. Which I did. And that’s all that matters right.
What’s coming next? I have no idea. But I’m going to open the next adventure with open arms.
How exciting, isn’t it exciting.
To rebrand or not to rebrand…
That is the age old question.
Firstly ‘ll be keeping all social media the same. my personal instagram will be rebecaklxo, my style instagram is chasingbecky
However I have been sat thinking hard about this blog. It’s been 6 great years, but I also recognise this as a weird identity crisis labelled as a lifestyle blog. Maybe it’s why it hasn’t done well.
So I have thought about making a new blog. and working well to relaunch a great blog.
Because I still love doing this on the side, of my real life adult job.
I will keep this blog open for random personal ramblings, etc because I still enjoy looking back on this, for my life. But I will be finding a way to combine travel/style into one great blog with a cute name.
I’m so excited. Who else is excited?
Livestream for charity.
Will you be joining me 18/19th August 2022?
From 11am on the 18th August, until 11am, 19th August 2022, I will be livestreaming via instagram live. All for charity.
I am raising money for Meningitis Research Foundation UK. As part of my finalist journey, representing Bristol again at this year’s Miss Mystic Beauty pageant finals. You can use my title, Miss Bristol livestream, when donating to the official link: https://www.justgiving.com/team/Missmysticbeauty
I will be matching the donations made, and donating the same amount to another charity close to my heart, Grassroots Suicide Prevention.
I have no specific plan for this livestream. I will probably play some games, maybe even lip sync, maybe go for a walk, or live react to movies etc, Maybe I’ll go out to get a piercing or tattoo.
I have no plan because I’m an anxious introvert. If you missed it, here’s a back post from my last journey with Miss Mystic beauty.
I appreciate the support!
The best month of my life.
At the end of the May 2022, I ventured off on a big adventure. My first solo holiday adventure on my own, as a parent. I took my son on this same adventure. Fair warning, this will be a huge loaded blog post, about this adventure. A big one, travelling to Australia, to visit family. Yes I took my 4 year old son, to the other side of the country by myself, for 5 weeks. Although it was challenging and tiring, it was also so very rewarding. The memories we made, are for life.
Now of course there is too much to share in one blog post. You would be here for weeks reading this one post. I did keep a detailed journal of the holiday, and everything we did. It was beyond amazing to be able to explore Melbourne though, by ourselves and learn the area, all while staying in the hills/countryside.
Everywhere you drive too, there was beautiful scenery, everywhere. You can see why the Australian Government are so strict. It rained for the first few weeks we was there, but still so beautiful. If it rains in the UK, it’s depressing. It really does put a lot into perspective, and makes me want to take the dive to immigrate so much more. Another plan to visit, hopefully over Christmas, (Australia’s summer).
Here’s just a few things we did while we was away:
- Healesville Animal
- Puffing Billy at Emerald Lake.
- Cauldermeade Farm & Cafe.
- Neighbours Tour, Nunawading Studios.
- Melbourne Skydeck at Eureka.
- Explored Upwey.
- Melbourne Museum.
- Maffra motor museum.
- Cowes Beach, Phillip island.
- Penguin Parade, Phillip island.
- Sovereign Hill, Ballarat.
- Explored Echuca (VA) and went into Moama (NSW).
- Chadstone Mall.
- Mount Dandenong.
- Watched a movie at the Lunar Drive in.
- Melbourne Zoo.
- Luna Park, St Kilda.
- Fitzroy Gardens and Docklands.
- Moonlit Sanctuary.
- Melbourne Goal.
- Brighton Beach.
- Visited Fox’s classic car collection.
- Melbourne Sealife Aquarium.
- Explored Mornington Peninsula.
- Had a girls night out, in Melbourne city.
- Phillip Island wildlife park.
- Woolamai Beach.
- Olinda Park.
- Listerfield Park.
We also had a few self care days, a few rest days, and of course meals out, etc. Some days we did multiple activities. Enjoy this small gallery of some of our holiday pics. There is also pics and a few reels, on my instagram account: Rebeccaklxo .
Here’s to many more travel trips…