This post will need a foremost warning before getting into more details. It’s going to include some pretty heavy topics, that’s affected my life. I don’t usually want to talk about this, as I’m trying to move on, 3 years later. But I’ve decided to write this, just in case it helps any other individuals who have their own mental scars, if not the exact same as mine.
It’s been prompted by my therapist, to try and immortalize the events causing my scars in writing. I’ve also choosing to do this, after theoretically speaking, reopening these scars, opening up about such events to fellow work colleagues. Which I ain’t going to lie, I have been finding it difficult to close the wound after.
I should probably get into what caused me to be so mentally and pretty emotionally broken. For most of my teenage years, to be exact from 16 years old, through to 19 years old, I was subject to a pretty abusive relationship. Pretty abusive is the light term, I use to describe it. I’d include a full list, of exactly what happened, but that is not something I want to include, otherwise this post will be far too long! I’ll also refuse to show anyone the case photos of the injuries. The right side of my face, was beaten so much, that I’ve lost my peripheral sight on the right side, as well as having that side brow bone bruised until it was pretty much black, dislocated my jaw on that side, bruise, cuts and my hearing on that side isn’t the best. That’s just the injuries to my face. I still have no idea who I’m looking at in the mirror every morning. My body also suffered, bruises and cuts, not to mention broken wrists, dislocated knees but my ribs took most of the hit. So much as to the bottom ribs had to be removed, repaired and put back in. The scariest nightmare I still get, is being thrown into a door, and the guy punching the wall, right by my head. I pretty much lived in the hospital, so much so when I left they let me keep my blanket from the hospital. I’m not allowed to take part in any close combat sports. Though I know risk, with my new love for boxing. The abuse equally included verbal insults, degrading comments and threats. The biggest threat, which went as close to being threatened with a knife, was wanting to give me a glasgow smile. This is probably why now I don’t often smile unless I need too.
Rape within a relationship is often overlooked, but it does happen. I’m not staying on this topic for long, but rape combined with forced miscarriages will destroy any 19 year old. It certainly affects your emotional capacity.
I haven’t and won’t name and shame, they’re now in prison for 10 years, as of 2013. But obviously this has mentally scarred me for life, there’s no denying that. But the fight I battle everyday, in the earlier years suicidal thoughts, anger, hurting myself. Now it’s mainly just hurting myself. Some people think once your injuries healed it’s fine, but because mine’s linked to my mental health, phantom pain is real. It’s what scares me the most, knowing that 20 years down the line, I could still feel the pain. It also annoys me that I have to go to a trauma therapist twice a week, I don’t like the word trauma. I don’t see it as trauma, I see it as extremely unfortunate. This includes seeing a counsellor twice a week also. All of which is court mandated. I was on an array of medication, but now don’t take anything, because they didn’t help, they just masked it.
It’s been three years since successfully getting them locked up, and I’m on the outside happy. I’m in a long term loving relationship, which has future prospects. I can drive, have great friends, and actually enjoy going to work. My tattoo I wear on my chest, proudly, stands for truth and justice. As the truth came out, and justice is served. Mentally there’s still a long way to go, but as cliche as it is, I am stronger now. It’s also lead me to the pageant life, which has been gradually teaching me to love myself, and exploring more into modelling as an hobby.
Mental Scars do Last a Lifetime. They’ll never go away, or heal invisibly. You just learn to move on and cope with them in your mind forever. If I could get away with murder, this is the one person I would tear apart.
I hope this has at least helped someone out there.